New years eve

Well Hello there! It has been a while hasn't it? I assure you i am infact still alive and kicking. Hard to believe it's already New Years Eve! My how this year has gone by... But I'm eager for the year 2013. Good things Will happen this year, I have decided =^^=

The other day I was discussing eco friendly shampoo with Doktor Glas and decided to pick up a bottle. It has completioly changed my head! After two Washes my dandruff is gone, and as of four days ago I have curly hair! What????

It is fun but rather surprising!

This evening two friends of mine are coming over for a bit of wine, but other than that we are not doing anything special tonight.

Stay safe tonight everyone!!!

Love,
Mango Kitty

UNIMPRESSED

So I'm sick, fever, cold sweating, irritable som fan. It started on Tuesday, i went to DBT but after 10 minutes they sent me home. Could'nt go into therapy yesterday, and missed my time with a epilepsy nurse today, though I did speak to her on the phone. I would like to say that the conversation was enlightening with all the answers I've been seeking. Twas not so. Apparently I DO have epilepsy even though the EEG came back negative?!?! She said it is possable just rare. Also no answers on treatment. And such, Will have to wait until I see the neurologist in January. FUCKiNG HELL this sucks. First they say it's epilepsy, then it ISN't epilepsy, and now it IS epilepsy again! Why doesn't Anyone know what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

UNIMPRESSED folks, I am UNIMPRESSED.

Love,
Mango Kitty

And they wonder...

And they wonder why I brag about these children! Follow the links and feel my pride :D

Watch this!
Also this!

Too. Freakin.  Cute.!

Also, good work Sarah and Al with Max's mealtime training!  I approve :D

Now I have to go find something to do today.  So far I have no ideas.  Any suggestions?

Love,
Mango Kitty

Let it snow!

Yes folks we have snooooow snow snow snow and cold cold cold.  I know you're all shocked, considering I live in Sweden and all, but still.  It's actually rather pretty despite the chill, the snow has stuck on all the pine trees and it looks like there is glitter spread all across the ground. 

I'm adjusting to life being home, it's both nice and boring.  I'm so used to having people around me all the time, that the quiet of homelife is taking some getting used to.  But on Friday I'm going to a party!  Hopefully. there are still some details to figure out but I'm pretty pumped that I've been invited so I'm going to do my damnest to figure out a way to get there (and safely home) and I intend to have a smashing good time :)

Tomorrow it will be a snow walk with Doktor Glas and signing the contract for our new apartment!  As for the rest of the evening?  I have a feeling that some knitting is in my near future.

Happy Hump Day!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Utskriven

I'm HOME!!!  Discharged from the treatment home yesterday!  It feels wonderful, and a little bit scary... but mostly wonderful :)  I am so thankful that I was given the opportunity (and that I had the guts to TAKE the opportunity) to be there, get the help I needed, and learn the tools to manage my head stuff on my own.  I know I will be successful now that I'm "out", and it's a wonderful feeling :)

I will miss them though, both the patients and staff.  Everyone cried when I left, patients, staff, ME, and then my viking called right in the middle of it, I answered the phone with "I'm sorry dear we're having a "moment" here, I made everyone cry!!!"  I'm grateful for the friends I made while there, and even though I know we'll stay in contact and keep seeing each other I'm going to seriously miss hanging out with them every day.  The staff told me about 200 times that I should call now and then to tell them how I'm doing periodically, which makes me feel good, it's obvious how much they care, and it's hard not to enjoy that.  Also I've been ordered to visit once a week when I have DBT in V-town, every week, forever :)

In other news I blew another Christmas present (surprise surprise).  My sister says my gifts are "well intentioned, but poorly executed" and she is right.  I arranged to buy a display case for my Vikings miniatures, got my friend to come and drive it home, thinking my Viking would go gaming and come home to a display case in our living room!  How wonderful right?  no. 
It took us a half hour to find the womans home, then when we finely did and carried the display case to the car, WE COULDN'T GET IT IN THE CAR!!!  We tried and tried and tried, even called my inlaws for help, but nothin' doin' we had to cary it back to the womans house and ask for my money back :(  Well intentioned, Poorly executed.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!  Mine will be full of unpacking and snow walks.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Yay me!

Måndags mys

Well hello!!!  No, Great Cthulu has not gobbled me up, I'm just bad at blogging :)

How is everyone? I'm doing quite well myself, things are looking up for Miss Mango!  Seems like things just keep clicking into place, all the stuff I wasn't able to handle back in the spring is steadly  becoming more managable, including phone calls, Dr's, social phobia, my psychiatric and physical health, and public transportation.  In fact I'm doing so well that I'm not at the treatment home this week! I'm doing a "test week" running life out of our appartment and seeing how it goes.  If all continues to go well I'll be dischardged by Christmas!

Today I tested myself by going out to eat. ALONE!!! It was actualy rather enjoyable!  First time I could say that in... Well forever! Yay me.

In other news turkey day is coming up, both exciting and stressfull as all you americans know.  Also, APPARTMENT!!!!! Ground floor, patio/yard, cheaper rent, heat included = GLEEEEEEE!!!!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Happy Halloween!

In the spirit of the holiday me and some of the girls dressed up and went to the grocery store. Surprisingly entertaining!

I like the group that's here now, we all get along realy well, make eachother laugh and genuinly care about one another.  It makes being away from home SO much easier.

In other news, I'm sure you have all heard about or survived the storm along the east cost of the US. I am thrilled to report my family is ok. What a scary bitch nature can be sometimes...

Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Love,
Mango Kitty

Octopumpkin!

That's right folks it's almost Halloween!  Do you have your pumpkins ready?

I've had the oddest predicament this year, I've been invited to not one, but TWO Halloween parties!  This NEVER happens to me, I'm never invited to ANYTHING!  Two parties in the same weekend, just about blows my mind! I'm seriously thinking I'll go to both, sense Lu will be providing me a "Safe House" for downtime and sense I won't be drinking I won't have to deal with the shame of going to one party hung over from the party the night before.  (Oh, how I do not miss that!)

In other news, I got a letter from my Neurologist stating that the EEG results do not show a link between the falling and Epilepsy.

 Fucking.  Hell.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Jävla Pensionär

This seriously just happened:
My friend came over so we could go for a walk with her dog. Our parking lot was full so she parked in the lot next to ours, where different people park EVERY FREAKING DAY. We went out for our walk, then her phone rings. it's her dad, apparently she had slightly blocked the entry to an old man's garage, and said man CALLED THE FREAKING COPS. (It's not raining, it's not snowing, there's no ice, and there's no sign for privet parking) The cops called my friends Dad who is the registered owner of the car. after her dad called we quickly returned home to move the car. When we got there there was a very grumpy old man who had BLOCKED IN my friends car so that she couldn't "get away", and he proceeded to quietly yell at us in a very aggressive manner, so much so that my Viking saw it out the window and came down. We explained to him that we meant to harm, and apologised, and after the 15th time he moved his car so my friend could re-park. He said if it happened again he would call the tow company immediately. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO YOU JÄVLA PENSIONÄR???

Deep breaths.... Deep breaths...

Love,

Mango Kitty

Molly Monster

Today we had a great fika with Anna and her little girl Molly,  oh MAN has she grown sense the last time we saw her!...  She's walking now, clapping on command, and chewing on electrical cords (a hilariously dangers habit).  Basically she was a tornado in our living room, and we loved every minute of it.  She has her own deck of cards here, (which ended up EVERYWHERE) they're hers because she's already drooled all over them so much no one else would want to touch them lol.  Also, Easter Egg.  Eva, Noah, and Lil' C know what I'm talking about ;P

It was great to see them but we were reminded of how much work little kids are! I honestly don't understand where you parents get the energy for it, but I am totally impressed by it.

Now I'm off to a kitchen filled with the aroma of gluten free pasta.  mmmm weekend food.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Yay! Anniversary!!!

Today is me and my Vikings 5 year American anniversary,  Yay! 

Even though we consider our Swedish Anniversary our "official" one, it's still nice to pause a moment and remember our amazing harvest festival wedding at my Dad's house  which included:

Mothers painting their nails black,
Bridesmaids in fishnets,
Jack-o-lanterns EVERYWHERE,
Viking Helmets,
A Black wedding cake,
and more love than a girl could ever ask for!

We're celebrating tonight with Pizza, cumfy pants and bad TV.

I love my Viking so much and it's impossible to describe how lucky I am to have him.

Yay for Love <3

Love,
Mango Kitty

Mystery

Mystery of the day...

Why did I get a letter from the surgical ward stating I have an apointment there the 16th?????

::Insert panic here::

Yarn!!!!!

Starting to escape the jeans an t-shirt version of myself.

Lab Monkey!

Hi.

Sorry for the lack of posts, I not longer have mobile broadband so I can't post during the weeks besides on my phone, and everyone who knows me knows how bad of a phone typer/speller I am so often I just skip it. 

But in the past week I have had my second 24 hour EEG and actually fell with the machine on, which everyone was a bit too excited to hear about.  Yes, it is good that they have the data of what happons in my brain when I actualy fall, but it still fucking hurts when you land on your face, jerks.

oh well   Now it's the waiting game to see if it is the Epilepsy that's causing this or if I just have a baseline of Epilepsy plus something else entirely wrong with my brain that's fucking up my day to day life.

It was kind of fun to play lab monkey however...

In other news I've been getting my metal back on.  There is a house in the treatment home complex that is empty after dinnertime so I get to go down there and sing my brains out every night without bothering/traumatizing anyone!  Singing is one of the very few things that truly gives me pleasure, so I'm training up the old Jaw Trap so I can re-claim my awesomeness and find a band somewhere.  I thought I had found on in V-Town but they wanted a "clean voice"  not a growler like me.  Their loss.

The pain is still awful, no light out of that tunnel, I do however, have yarn on my head again. :P

Le Mew

Still around...

Usch... where to begin?

My pain is out of control, and the pain clinic doesn't know how to treat it as all conventional treatments have failed thus far.  However they are adamant that I do not speak directly with the Dr about alternative treatment options.  Which pisses me right the fuck off.  I understand taking a way a medication that isn't working, because it's not good to take pain meds if they don't help.  But you have to put something else in which they are NOT doing! I asked the nurse that I've been dealing with and asked him point blank.

"How are you going to treat me?"
"We don't know."

fucking hell... 

I've been working really hard at the treatment home, though everything is made much much more difficult due to pain issues.   On Tuesday I'm going to start DBT again, which is good but kind of scary.  Physical Therapy continues, as does using a walker.

Appartment hunting is getting more and more complected, and everywhere around me people are using the word "cancer".

oh well, at least my ears still fit.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Don't mess with tha kittas!

Usch, sorry for the lack of posts, life has been a little meh lately.  Having problems with kids on the buss giving me shit and terraphying me.  Having more problems with falling, and am using the walker again. 

Did you know.that a large precentage of psychiatric medication has lactose in it? FUCKING HELL!!  No wonder the medication for my stomach hasn't been working considering it's full of FREAKING LACTOSE!!!
WHY HAS NO ONE NOTICED THIS BEFORE???  Irritation. Much irritation.
Oh well, back to the treatment home for me and my yarn.

Also, American Football starts tonight! Woo! However the treatment home doesnt get the channel it.s on.  FUCKING HELL!!!  

Well whatever happens,
I am still
Mango Kitty
<3

55 min.

Waiting for the buss sucks

Miss Mango has a sad

So....
I Dont know how to explain it properly.  I'm just... Sad.

The Blackness

So I've gone back to black and am pretty pleased with actualy.  I feel like my old tree-hugging- goth again!!

In other news, I'm back at the treatment home and  have lost the ability to say simple  a simpel sentans.  Joy.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Röd

Yea so you might have.been blond for a few days... Don't worry, it was.just to get.the old color.out so I could go red.  I Haven't totally lost mind. Well, mostly not at least.
I'm a sad Mango  today. All i seem to be is be confused and trapped.in some kind of dream state.  A state I would very much like to get out of. confusing babel coming out of my mouth ALL the time, I don't know how my Viking has put up with it!
But i have some friends coming over in about an hour, i'm realy looking forward to the visit, hope fully it will change this sad mango into a Happy Mango!
Love,
Mango Kitty

lucky shmuck

I feel kind of crappy today.  Partially because I Always feel crappy, but also because I'm starting to come to realize just how much of an ungrateful schmuck I am.  I came from a very loving family, and though we weren't bathing in lobsters and accordions we always had food on our plate, shoes on our feet LOTS of music in our lives, and a big hug before and after bedtime.  There are so many people out there that are desperation searching for family love, and here I am, a self confessed Daddy's girl, who also has 4 moms, 2 big sisters and 2 nieces and 1 nephew.  PLUS having the love and acceptance of my Vikings' amazing family here in Sweden.  I often feel guilty for having so much when others have so little.  Even with my psychiatric and my physical issues, at least I can get my medication, I still have both my legs, at least I don't have to breath on a respirator, at least I can (most of the time) WALK.  Sometimes you just have to look at things in perspective.  As much emotional and physical pain I may go threw in my life, at least I have clean water, heat, food, and love in my life.

Love,
Mango Kitty

(warning rant ahead)

I'm so sick of all of these problems.  The knee pain I recognize,
but the neck shoulder pain actually feels a bit like after I got a
bulged disk in my lower back at 18.  But more sharp and acute.  It's
been real bad this past week.  (and I'm not that active so the only
way I could have hurt my back is during a fall, but none that I can
think of off the top of my head. (but then again I did get that bulged
disk at 18 standing around with my friends doing nothing physical at
all, so who the hell knows.))

I don't think this has to do with muscles, I think it's something to
the joints, because the pain is so acute and goes over so quickly (it
only hurts when I do the movement, then it is ok again)

According to the Dr I do NOT have anemia at all, and I was informed
that all other blood tests turned out well within the normal range so
there is no need for further blood tests.  Not a word about what to do
now, not a referral, not nothin.  But my feet are still so swollen I
can only wear my sneakers (but not with socks on) and whenever I twist
or tun my foot the skin on it feels like it's on fire.

I'm not really sure what to do at this point, because no one is taking
me seriously and are "hoping I'll just go away".  but I WONT.  Because I
should not have to live like this.  Because "this" SUCKS.

So on Monday I am calling:
Smålandsstenar Clinic - Feet
Värmano Neurologist - Falling
Värnamo Pain Clinic - Joint Pain
Värnamo Hospital Insurance Department (to see if they'll cover the
cost of new glasses sense I broke mine during a fall on their property
(at the treatment home))


Also it might be worth mentioning, that today, I fell on the buss. Not
just ON the buss, but INTO a family sitting in their seats. Not
falling to their FEET you see, but I fell OVER an 8 year old boy and
my hand (trying to keep me off the floor you see) grabbed the fathers
UPPER THIGH. SO embarrassing. NEVER WANT TO LEAVE THE APARTMENT AGAIN

I now ADD to this post. On our way out of the apartment building, dressed
up nice for a goodbye to Nils' sister Marie, I fell down the front
FREAKIN steps full of dirt, grass, cigarette ash and I assume a bit of
spit thrown in there for good measure. SO. NOT. OK.  AAAAAAAAAAAAACH

Love,
Mango Kitty

Duck Lips

I woke up  early (as usual) to aweful pain . My sholders  are killing me much,i almost cried when i went to  get dressed. My legs are no bettter.. Usualyit taked 3-4 tries
before i can get my butt off 'a chair

In other news,    I'm blond again. 

Swedes are not Kosher

 As yo may or not know, I stopped eating meat a while back, as an experiment to see if my falling problems were due to excess animal protein in my diet.  We then found out about the Epilepsy, and that riddle was solved.

So I've decided I*m going to start eating meat again. Now comes the question... Pork/No Pork? I grew up in a kosher home and didn't even taste ham until I was in my teens. And to be honest it's not my favorite type of meat (probably because I didn't grow up with it) But in Sweden pork is HUUUUUUUGE! Everyone eats it, and it is without a doubt the cheapest kind of meat you can buy in Sweden.
Kosher- brings me closer to my family traditions, and religion
Non Kosher- A very happy wallet and cheap protein.
Which do I choose?

 I wish I could just say, Kosher of course!  It doesn't matter how much chicken costs  You should never eat pork!  But in the financial situation that we are in, it's just not that easy.  I have eaten pork before, after I left America, so I know how to prepare it.  And in Sweden it's much harder too find ground beef then it is to find ground "meat" which is a combination of pork and beef.  

I do think I would feel a bit guilty if I started eating pork again, though I highly doubt that God would come down from the heavens and squish me like a slug for doing so.  I choose to believe that God knows I'm doing the best I can with what I have right now, and that when I am in the financial situation to eat other meats beside pork, God would be proud of me for re-kosher-ing myself and for making it out of these tough times.
Well I guess I already have my answer then....  non-kosher till I have the means to be kosher.   or until I get squished like a slug... 

Love,Mango Kitty

Thank you ocean,

For providing us with canned Tuna fish.  otherwise there would be no way to give Indi her medication.  Tried forcing it down and stroking the throat and blowing into the nose, tried covering it with butter, tried wrapping it in chicken skin, we even tried tag-teaming her and she was having NONE of it.  But horrah!  There was tuna fish at home!  Soooo, got the OK from the vet to grind up the pill, mixed it with the tuna, and she'll eat it right off the spoon from my hands.  YES!  And of coarse, Mi-Go gets a spoon of tuna as well, otherwise he would get jealous. 

Indi seems to have a lot more of her "bounce" back, and she is eating and using the litter boxes, but she's beating on Mi-Go more than usual and that concerns me.  But I mean on the other hand, who wants to be chased around and wrestle by your brother when you've got a virus?  Hopefully it will pass,  We have a telephone time with the Vet tomorrow morning, we are really hoping it will be good news.  And if it DOES turn out we have to bring her back to the vet, we're going to ask for a prescription tranquilizer for her in the car... because she is SO BAD at riding in a car.  It's really heart braking to experience.

As for now, I'll be watching the Olympics and try not to psych myself out about the vet call tomorrow.  Hold your thumbs for us!!!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Meds

I find my giant basket of medication depressing.

That is all.

Love
Mango Kitty

Alert bracelet

So my medical alert bracelet has arrived, but it felt very very wierd putting it on.  I guess I should be using DBT's Radical Acceptance skill.  This is a disease that I have, and if something realy goes to hell, the people who help need to know that it could related to epilepsy. But radical acceptance is hard, and I'm not.quite there yet. But I'm trying. 

Anyways, i'm falling again so maybe it's good that it showed up when it did.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Rediculous

It's about 25*C (75*F) outside, and it's freaking 32* (OVER90*) in our apartment! That does NOT help me.  Poor Indi is tired and lethargic, probably from the heat and the medication.  And Mi-Go was too warm to wake me up at 2am.  And Nils, the clever man he is, is at Smallcon (a gaming convention his gaming club D.O.M.M. holds every year). Which leaves me to clean and do laundry in a 90* apartment.  FRAK!

Every time I hear a noise I run to find Indi, I'm so scared she's going to have another asthma attack.   I did dust today and am going to do the floors after I chat with my sister and her little ones.  Hopefully that will help prevent another one from happening, though when I asked the Vet if dust makes it worse she said that they really don't know, but I'm doing it anyways, because I don't know what else I can do for her right now.  Besides giving her her medication, which she does NOT like.  We're going to try coating them in butter, I've read that it makes it easier to swallow and tasts better.  Hopefully it will help because it takes 4-5 times before I get her to swallow the damn thing.  I can't blame her though, she doesn't understand why I'm forcing a pill into her mouth, she can't know that I'm doing it to help her.

Oh well, hopefully my next post will be about how wonderfully comfortable it is in our apartment and I don't have to cold shower every day to keep me from over heating.  Also, hopefully the future will not include me dunking my cats into cool water to help them cool off.  They weren't so happy about it but were much more their normal selves afterwards.  Hurray for evaporation!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Good kitty

Poor Indi had to go to the vet yesterday... Might be asthma, might be some kind of virus. She needs to take medication two times a day for 10 days, then the vet.will call and we'll see if they have to take x-rays to figure what is going on.  :(

But sense going.to the vet is.so traumatic for her we picked up some things.  We got a fancy new carrier with a waterbowl attatched to the door for a really good price, we'll probably get a nother one eventually so both cats can have more space/security/water when we have to take them someplace.  And ofcorse our Indi needed a new pink mouse as a reward for being somewhat copperative.

I'm so worried abou our baby, we're just trying to be as calm and comferting to her as possible so we don't totaly stress her out. (as you can probably guess, I am not so good at it)  please send lots of love to our cats!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Happy Birthday to me

Check out my birthday video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vScACLq7RnQ

What a wonderful way to start my birthday, I've watched this like 6 times today already! I love these little ones SO MUCH and it means the world to me that they know who I am and would be willing to sing to me even though I live across the ocean :)  Hurray for technology!

As for birthday plans, we have none, other then my inlaws will be coming up  for fika later and help me run some errands. Also, give the cat's their "manicure".

This is especially important for my poor Flufferella Indi.  She's had two episodes where it looks and sounds like she is having an asthma attack.  It's so scary!  According to the vet there is such a thing as cat asthma, and it's rather serious.  My beautiful friend is helping us with a ride to the vet in the morning, where we will do whatever we can for our baby girl.  We don't have children, and we're not GOING to have children, our animals are our children and we are going to do the best we can for her.  But it's scary, and there's been lots of worrying and crying, but I have to believe in the end she will be fine.

Happy Birthday to Me,
Love,
Mango Kitty

bitch bitch moan moan

Bitch bitch moan moan emotional pain physical pain medication medication medication sugar exhausted restless inspired devastated beautiful obese inked scarred hungry full coffee tea creative lethargic worried in slow motion living in the past terrified of the future if is there a future dress the dolly burn it down scream scream scream leave no evidence.

 incapable of a single coherent thought.

Love,
Mango Kitty

mind v.s. body

I know it's short notice and everything,  but can I have a new body for my birthday?  Pretty pretty please?  One that can read patterns and sew on her own would be a nice touch as well. 

I've got all these projects going in my head...crafts to make,  paintings to paint, dresses to sew, plants to add to my collection, songs to learn on the piano.

There's just one problem...  My body CAN NOT keep up with the creative part of my mind.  It just doesn't work.  Im too tired to do any of the things I want to do.  and am in too much pain to clean up so that I can have the SPACE to do what I want to do.

Tomorrow a friend is coming over to help me sew a dress.  I'm very excited, because I really really like her but never get to see her because she lives so far away.  But she¨s coming tomorrow and we shall have a sewing party as long as my hands cooperate.

In other news, my Viking bought me some pretty flowers because I've been feeling so crappy, and Mi-Go thinks the plastic they're in is as tasty as can be.  Have you ever seen a cat, standing next to a plant, licking the plastic around it?  I bet you you havent.  And if you have I want pictures because I don't believe you.

Love,
Mango Kitty

confusion

Stupid freaking medical professionals!

I was supposed to have a telephone time with my Dr. this morning between 8-9 regarding a new medication that had a warning label on it for people who have Epilepsy.  After waiting until 10.00 I called the hospital and they first said that he had forgotten.  Then they called back and said I didn't have a telephone time with him until the 19th.  Then I talked to a different nurse who said that a Different Dr. had tried to call me but I didn't answer (which was bullshit because I've been up and functioning sense 06.00 with both phones on me at all times).  Then the second nurse called me back and said that they checked with a DIFFERENT Dr. and it's fine for me to take this medication even if I have Epilepsy.  WTF???

Today has not the makings for a good day my friends.
Love,
Mango Kitty

Swollen

So I've been having a little trouble with swollen feet and ankles, as you can see.
I finally went to the Doctor for it today and she said it was probably something to do with the salt levels in my blood or something to do with my thyroid.  So they took some blood tests and now it's a waiting game.  I'm really hoping that it's something as simple as stopping eating salt, though I usually skip that as an ingredient, but who knows.

The other news, is I got a new psychiatric medication today that works both as an anti-depressent and a sleeping pill.  My psychiatric Dr went on and on about how much it would help.  When I went to read the labals to see if I had to lay down right away after taking it or if I should take it a while before I go to bed, I found in nice bold letters,
"Do Not Take This Medication If You Have Epilepsy"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????
WHY IS MY DR, WHO KNOWS I HAVE EPILEPSY, PRESCRIBING ME MEDICATION THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN BY SOMEONE WITH EPILEPSY?!?!?

Thank God I read the label,  Don't want to even think of the mess that could have created.

Oh, by the way, another side effect was "Suicide".  Lovely.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Loosing It

Feels like I'm loosing things left and right...
I.D.'s
Friends
My Sanity...
I don't know what to say... I just...

I'm lonely, and desperate for help.
I can still see that I have an amazing husband and two great monsters, but yesterday I expected to get a lot of psychiatric help, and ended up just being sent home.  Today I've been light headed and shaky all day, (yes I've eaten, yes I've been drinking water) my legs feel like they way 100kg each and I can't SEE anything.  I'm definitely putting any birthday money I get on new glasses.  Now that I'm not falling anymore I can actually take the risk on investing in eyesight. (broke my last pair of glasses in a fall)

I miss my family desperately, my Moms, my Dad and his wife, my Sisters and all the little ones.

Therapist still on vacation,
Treatment home still closed,
Still don't know what to do.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Medical Mystery No More

As of last Friday I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.  That's why I've been falling like I have.  I have Epileptic activity on both the left and right side of my brain, though more in the left side than the right side.  The neurologist did not say what lobes are being affected and I didn't think to ask.  It IS treatable with medication, I've been on the meds for almost a week now and there's already a huge improvement.  Next Wednesday I'm getting an MRI on my brain.  Apparently some kinds of brain tumors can present themselves as Epilepsy, though my Neurologist does not believe this is the case she wants to be certain and rule out the possibility of a tumor, which I appreciate. 

In one way, this is a good thing.  It explains why I've been falling (psychosomatic my ASS) and it is treatable with 4 pills a day.  No injections, no surgery, no having my legs amputated in a shady hospital in Russia (yes I still do have that nightmare!)  Soon I will move back to the crutch from the walker, and eventually will function like a somewhat normal person.

On the other hand, HOLY FUCK I HAVE EPILEPSY.  It's a scary diagnosis even though it's very treatable.  Because it means that there is actually something wrong with my brain.  And brains are kind of important (or so I've heard).  It also means that I cannot drive, ride a bicycle, watch certain TV shows/movies, ride roller coasters, or have children.  The last part isn't as big as many would assume considering that we are not planning to have children anyways but it's still... it's... well I don't really know what it is.  It just sucks. 

I keep going from being relieved to absolutely devastated, but I assume that's part of the process of accepting this new part of my life.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Red Head

 Hopeful...

 Worried...

Red!












A note to family, If you have not heard the Neurologists diagnoses please contact me so I can let you know before I announce it publicly.  Doesn't seem like the kind of thing for family to hear for the first time on facebook...

Love,
Mango Kitty

staying posotive

2 days till I see the neurologist about my EEG results and I am FREAKIN.  However I'm trying to do enriching things so I don't just cry on the sofa all the time.  Which I pretty much do anyways, but moving on...

My phone is dying so I have to send it in for repair, however when you send it in you have to send the receipt for it, which I could not find to save my life.  But today I gathered the courage to call them and ask them to send me a copy which they're doing and it will all work out fine.  few!

Obviously living on the third floor is not working anymore as I've already fallen down those fucking stairs once, and Monday I fell 12 TWELVE times.  Having the walker helps, but I can't have both hands on it at all times inside the apartment.  It's just not possible.  So I called the company we rent from and explained that I have a medical condition which makes me fall and the stairs are too dangerous, and we are now waiting for a ground floor apartment to become available.  She said as soon as something opens up she'll give me a call. few!

It feels like I'm finely getting this weight/stomach thing under control.  I've stopped eating meat and most dairy, in addition to the no gluten or lactose, paying attention to portion size, eating more often, and MOVING.  today I walked for an hour! ME!  AN HOUR!!!  But it's paying off, in the month of June I've lost 7 kilograms.  Un.freaking.believable.  I'm more than a little proud of myself I must say.  few!

And today I actually painted, for the first time in... well, forever it seems like.  I can tell that I'm out of practice and desperately need new paints, but it was fun, and I think it turned out rather well.  It's a gift for someone dear to me, so once said person receives it I'll post a picture. few!

Now I am TIRED and fully intend to spend the rest of my evening on the couch.  Hopefully not crying ;)

Love,
Mango Kitty

It's not all bad

 So I've figured out a way to style my hair that I think actually looks pretty cool.  Guess life's not all bad.  Mi-Go agrees.

 Now off to do laundry and clean a bit.  Very slowly.  And with a walker.  That's right folks, she falls so much she has a walker now.  Woo.

Love,
Mango Kitty

by request

Because it will make my mom laugh, here are pictures of my "interesting" hair.  Enjoy.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Hair Grows Back

oh man...
Hair grows back...
And it's better to cut your hair than to do more permanent damage to yourself....
but oh man...
Usually I can pull off cutting my own hair...  This time I did NOT.   But it's ok, it's just hair, it grows back, and my hair grows really fast.  So it's ok.

Good thing I own awesome hats...

Love,
Mango Kitty

Midsommer

Happy Midsommer to all my crazy Swedes, Hope you all enjoy the longest day of the year!
the cats are choosing to celebrate by sleeping in, shocking I know...
My Viking and I are staying home this year, and celebrating with moose and... well... not much else...  But it will still be nice to have each others company :)  I'm officially home for the 8 week summer vacation at the treatment home, I'll return to V-.town in August, but in the meanwhile I'm going to get as much Viking/Monster time in as I can. <3

Love,
Mango Kitty

Last week

This will be my last week at the treatment home before they close for summer vacation.  And I am SCARED.  Especially sense I've started falling again.  I'm afraid it will ruin everything.  That I won't be able to ride my bike to get groceries, that I won't be able to go for walks, That I''ll fall down the stairs AGAIN.  It's horrible to live in so much fear.

But I'm going to see a neurologist probably next week to get the result of my EEG.  And if he doesn't know what's going on I'm going to ask for a referral to a different hospital.  And if they don't know what's going on I'll ask for ANOTHER referral, and continue to do so until I get some answers and a treatment plan.  Because I refuse to accept that falling is a part of my life.  I refuse to live in fear of my own body.  I cannot be the ONLY person in Sweden who has these kinds of symptoms.  Even if it's psychosomatic there has to be treatment for it.  And I simply wont stop until I find it, because living this way is just too hard.  It's ruining everything. 

Wish me luck.
Love,
Mango Kitty

wow...

I really don't have a single positive thing to say today...

Flowers

Today i cleaned the back porch at the Treatment Home. A few weeks ago i made flower arangments for it but forgot to put up pictures. As we actualy have SUN today I decided to take some pictures with my phone. I'm rather pleased with how the porch turned out, it's cozy out there now.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Opposit day

That's right folks it's opposit day which means blond dreads andnothing to do! I'm happy about it because yesterday was way too intense so today i get to recover a bit and work on my cross stitching. Now i'm on a quest to find gum.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Too Much Laundry!

There's just.... there's just too... much.... laundry...

::dies of laundry overexposure::

My Viking has cut me off. Finish the load that's in the washer and call it a day.  I of coarse am overdoing it and obsessing about how much more stuff that I honestly don't really need to get done today. 

But there's still stuff to do!!!
Like Laundry!!!

Ok, STOP IT!

I'll go to my quiet place now...
Love,
Mango Kitty

The stomach... She LIVES!!!

I'm happy to report that the tummy is feeling much better, and I've gone the official 48 hours without puking so I'm now allowed to rejoin society.  yay for me.  The withdrawal symptoms continue but frankly, as long as I aint pukin I'll take 'em!

The next two weeks are going to be big ones for me, I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do over the summer in order to not isolate myself and keep my mental health on track.  And then I'll have to cope with leaving the safety of the treatment home over the summer.  I did speak to my therapist today over the phone (even though I missed our meeting I wanted to have some contact with her before her summer vacation) and she is under the impression that I will return to the treatment home when they re-open in the fall, though the Dr. will have the final say.  I don't know how I feel about this, while I know it will probably be a good thing it's very very bittersweet.  But like my Dad said, we'll see how the next three months go and take it from there.  No one can know how I'll feel in September now.  But it's me so of corse I'm obsessing about it.

We've got a three day plan to systematically clean the apartment.  Tomorrow I'm on Laundry duty and am looking forward to clean socks.  My Viking will do as much as my Viking will do, but between the two of us we should be able to kick this place into shape!  Just in time for me to leave.  woo.

Love,
Mango Kitty

the stomach death

Yea so it's definitely the stomach flue..  Started on Saturday and just keeps getting worse.  Puked 4 times before noon today.  w00t w00t :(

As well as me feeling like total and utter crap, it means I can't go back to the home at all this week due to the risk of me spreading the stomach death to other people there.  On one hand yes it IS nice to just crash on the couch at home with the cats and ignore the world, but on the other hand if I did well being at home every day than I wouldn't go to the treatment home in the first place.  It's a double edged puke bucket my friends, and it's full of goo.

I'm even less impressed by me not being at the treatment home at all this week due to the fact that they freaking close right before Midsummer...  I missed my big meeting to decide what I'll be doing over the summer, though I've heard rummer that they want me to put screws in boxes with old people and pay buss fair to  "socialize" with them.  Miss Mango is unimpressed yet again.  oh well, I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Love,
Mango Kitty

home sick

Guess what time it is folks!  It's Miss Mango Kitty's Medication Withdrawal Time!!!  Fucking hell this is not fun. In addition to headache, muscle pain, cold sweating, and exhaustion, I've been throwing up.  Woo! SO I'm supposed to go back to the home today like I usually do on Sundays but I'm not due to the risk that it's actually the stomach flue and not just withdrawals.  I get what they're thinking but it's kind of a pain in the ass.  I'm supposed to have a BIG meeting tomorrow to decide what I'll be doing over the summer when the treatment home closes.  We'll just have to reschedule but i'm not so happy about the situation because the home closes in like, 3 weeks.  Not that much time to reschedule in.  I'm going to call them in the morning and we'll see how I'm  feeling and if I can go back tomorrow.

As of right now I'm fighting with the cats (one black cat in particular) and waiting for my Viking to come home and take care of me.

Bleh...

Love,
Mango Kitty

mmmmm yaaaarn...

I definitely just pulled out almost a foot of yarn from Indi's mouth/stomach.  So THAT'S where all my yarn has been disappearing!  It's not only Mi-Go who causes trouble it seems.    eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew...

At any rate it's good to be home for the weekend even if I do get to go threw medication withdrawals AGAIN.  At least I know what it is and what to expect this time.  Doesn't make it suck any less though.  Hot/Cold sweating, pounding headache, overall muscle pain and a very angry tummy.  Such is the life of an medicated zombie.  If you don't mind, I'm going to go put on my pajamas and collapse on the couch now thank you.

Oh yea, On the way home from V-town we saw snow.  SNOW!  ON THE FIRST OF JUNE!  WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Holy cupcakes!

Today M made the most beautiful cupcakes I've ever seen.  Of corse i couldn't eat them because they were full of gluten and lactose, but it was worth it just to admire these lemon chocolate cupcakes with respective white and dark chocolate frosting^^

Also, having long hair is fun.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Taco Pie

Things suck right now. Still falling, still having panic attacks, still unable to find a balance in my stress level, still cant sleep.  "stay posotive and decide not to fall." Just pisses me off every time i hear it. It's not like I decided to start falling again, if I could turn it off wouldnt I have done it permanently???  Unfortunitly no one has a.better answer than that for me.   Fucking hell...

Good news is that I'm making Taco Pizza tonight.

Love,
Mango Kitty

FAIL

  Apparently mind over matter is hippie bullshit that doesn't actually work. 

I've started falling again...

I cannot even beguine to describe how disappointed, angry, and frighted I am by this coming back.  I thought I had moved on from it.  I thought I had concurred it and would never have to deal with it again.  Apparently I was wrong.

The staff thinks it's because I've been doing too much, not getting enough sleep, and feeling the nicotine withdrawal.  They think if I take it easy it won't continue.  They keep telling me to continue to use my "I am strong and I CAN WALK" mantra, and to think positive...............................Right now that feels impossible

Why can't I just be healthy?

Love,
Mango Kitty

Do Not Quit

I was going to write a long depressing rant involving the difficulties of life, mental health, addiction, and those who claim to know how to solve it.  Instead, I'll write a poem that I keep in my "Good Book".  No one can say I'm not trying.

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but DO NOT QUIT

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest it
It's when things go wrong that YOU MUST NOT QUIT"
                                                              -unknown

There's my positivity for today,
Love,
Mango Kitty

Awesome in a Tube

Aparently Swedish people love americans so much they make a sauce out of them... Who knew?

Also, I spent two hours doing my Nails last night.  Kept me awake at least! (yes those are tiny stones indevidualy glued on to my nails in a spiral)

Love,
Mango Kitty

American Dressing

Need I say more?

why do I knit?

Ever knit for 5 hours and then realize two rows from the end that you read the entire pattern wrong and it's too late to fix it?  Yeah...  Sometimes I wonder why I knit at all... FRUSTRATION!!!!  GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Mango Kitty

Fishnet bandage helmat of doom

I'm so sick of all this crap attatched to my head.  It does not make Miss Mango happy.  The EEG will be done at 13.00, then I'll get the wires off my brain and head back to the group home, where i will take a very long shower to wash out all the glue from my hair, and open my presants to myself. 

Please please please let the EEG show nothing unusual!

Love,
Mango Kitty

EEG

Soon I'm on my way to get a 24hour EEG. Scary stuff.  Not because it will hurt, because I know it wont, but because it means I'll be in a new.hospital alone for two days.  And those.of you who know me know.that I do NOT like new places and I do NOT like being alone.  But I've come up with a brilliant way to keep positive, in the form of presents to myself! They're all wrapped and ready to go. What could they be???

Love,
Mango Kitty

Mothers Day

To all you mothers I hold dear to my heart, my hat's off to you on this day.  Your job is impossibly difficult, and yet you succeed with flying colors bringing joy beyond measure into the world.  You are all Wonder Woman, Super Woman, and Cheetara wrapped into a wonderful loving and ever patient package.  I have so much respect for all that you do, and the world is a better place because YOU are in it.

Love,
Mango Kitty

Home Home!

Took the buss home yesterday afternoon and arrived at the apartment to be greeted by two excited (although a little chunky... I think my Viking's been splurging on the treats in my absence :P) Cats.  Oh it's SO GOOD to see them, Ive missed them so freaking much these last two weeks.  And that they both came right up to me for some pet'ns made me a very happy cat mom.  The apartment looks great, even though my Viking said he hardly cleaned before I came home.  Turns out I'M the messy one... who knew?  The new stronger sleeping pills still don't work, I got up around 03.30 this morning, they're going to increase the dose again when I get back to the home next week.  It's a hard problem to medicate because I can lay down and go to sleep quickly, it's just that I wake up at ungodly hours and it's really. REALLY. annoying.   Such is life...

On a happier note, today is my 8th day without  a fall!  Mind over matter folks, mind over matter.

Love,
Mango kitty

Kitty withdrawel

We spent last weekend at Ammi's so i didn't have to deal with stairs. However it ment that i didn't get to see my monsters at all and I'm missing them like crazy. I wish i could have them here with me...

Happy anniversary

Today on the 5th day of the 5th month is my Vikings and mine 5th anniversary.  Can you believe it?  I'm so lucky to have him in my life, he's the man of my dreams and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.  Because he kicks ass, and because he makes a DAMN good pancake :)

I love you baby,

Mango Kitty

Wheel chair of stupid

So the falling has increased to the point of me falling 10 times on Monday resulting in a pair of broken glasses and my ass in a wheel chair. However yesterday i got to thinking... You see people on tv "thinking" themselves healthy, and sense my dr. Does not belive there is any illness causing my falling I have decided to conduct a "mind over matter" experament. I say to myself over and over again that i am STRONG and that i CAN walk. I havent used the wheelchair sense yesterday afternoon! The staff is super proud of me and wants me to keep up my experament over the weekend, and to be honest, I'm super proud of  myself too. I think i just might be able to pull this off.

Let there be cows!!!

Yesterday we went to see the cows be released.from their winter enclosure. They could'nt have picked a better day for it.  Horray for happy cows!

P.S. I now fall so often that they've put me in a wheelchair :/